He's gonna be fine.
That's what I keep telling myself, over and over.
He'll have a blast.
But, I can't get rid of the gnawing in my stomach-- and I cannot stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong.
What if he's low while he's at the top of a rollercoaster?
That place is so big-- what if he can't find Ryan?
They'll be in the Dells, where a storm is headed-- where there'd been massive flooding over the weekend.
"Sandra, it's gonna be great. Just relax," Ryan tells me this morning as I begin spewing out some of these fears.
But I can't relax.
Since first hearing of this end-of-school-year field trip, I've been quietly fretting.
A mega indoor/outdoor water and theme park-- over an hour away...
Jam packed with middle-schoolers from all over the state.
My heart is in my throat just thinking about it.
"What will you do if you're in a long line and feel low?" I ask Joseph over breakfast.
"I'll take some glucose and go check in with Dad," he responds in a matter-of-fact tone.
"But who will go with you?" I continue-- struggling to keep the tension out of my voice.
"Probably one of my friends."
"Probably? Bud, you have to make sure someone goes with you-- that park is huge."
"Mom, Mom- stop worrying. Geez, I'm gonna be okay. You're driving me crazy."
So I back off.
Before they leave, Ryan and I discuss how much we should lower Joseph's basal rates while he's running around the park, while he's swimming...
When we're finished I just sit in my chair, quietly staring down at my hands-- until I can't keep it in any longer.
"You know, if he didn't have diabetes, I wouldn't be freaked out at all. I loved amusement parks as a kid. I just- "
"A lot of things would be easier if he didn't have diabetes," Ryan says--and then adds with a shrug, "but it is what it is."
He picks up the black backpack, his duffel-- and walks out the door.
Sitting here now -- listening to the rumble of thunder -- all I can think is how very long this day is gonna be.