In the Cold

Joseph and I move through the revolving door together, spilling out into the bitter cold.

We walk forward a few paces, and then stop-- resting our elbows on the building's stone railing.



Below and in front of us is an expanse of frozen, brown grass and leafless trees. Just beyond that, a busy downtown street.

Ryan and Evan are still inside.

"You cold, Bud?"

"Nah, I'm fine. But I think Dad's gonna be a while-- Evan didn't look like she wanted to leave."

The wind picks up. I put an arm around him-- for a second, wondering if there'll come a time soon when he'll no longer let me.

After a couple of minutes, I'm ready to go back inside -- my gloved fingertips are just starting to go numb -- but then Joseph turns his face up toward mine.

"Mom, what age do you want to be when you die?"

"Huh-- well, um . . . I think maybe . . . 102."

"Really?" Joseph says, sounding surprised-- and a little pleased.

"How about you, Bud?"

"Probably like 91, 'cause I'd be afraid to get so old that I'd have lots of problems."

I hold onto him a little tighter.

For a while, we don't say anything-- just look out toward the many small figures rushing along a crowded sidewalk-- hands stuffed in their pockets; chins tucked down into their coats.

"Dying is kind of scary, you know?" Joseph says suddenly, without looking at me.

"I mean, I think it's like you go to sleep one night -- thinkin' you're gonna get up the next morning -- and then you just don't wake up."

For a moment, I just stare at him.

And then a sudden, unbearable chill takes hold.

I rub my upper arms, my shoulders-- and once again, pull him close.

"Honey, have you been thinking about this very much?"

"Naah," he says, shaking his head. "Just now... it's weird though, you know? That you're here, and then you're not."

"I know... you wanna talk about it?"

"Mom," he says, now looking me full in the face, "do you think there's a Hell?"

"No, I don't."

"How about Heaven?"

"Well, most religions talk about Heaven; they just have different names for it. Yes, I think there's something else-- some other level we get to. I'm just not sure we can really know it's nature, but yeah, I believe we do go somewhere else. And you know, there are times when I can actually feel my Mom is with me... so yes, I do believe there's something else.

"But hey, Bud-- you've got a long life ahead, and boatloads of things to do here."

"Yeah, I know," he says, giving me a smile that makes me wonder what things he already has in mind.

"Hey, Mom-- let's go back inside and get warm."

We move quickly across the stone terrace, enter the revolving door-- and gratefully, leave the cold wind behind.